My name is, Richard. Online i am known as The Relaxing Shadow. I started writing short stories in 2nd grade as a way to bypass homework. My teacher recognized my interest in writing and decided it was a good thing for me to do, considered extra credit. I dropped it around 4th grade, often starting stories and never finishing them.
Fast forward to 7th grade where i found myself feeling alone in a new school, new town, surrounded by new people. My parents divorced, i started hating music and media and would often skip class and sit somewhere secluded. The school counselor decided it wouldn’t be bad for a while to let me do that, giving me a space next to her office where i could sit and draw. I abused this, getting out of classes i didn’t belong in to escape into my mind. It was here where i can say the first signs of dark thoughts appeared.
some time later, within the same year, i got a handheld electronic organizer/calendar. In it a notepad to take notes. On a drive i wrote my first poem, Dove. A love/breakup story. I didnt know what a poem was or how to write one, all i knew was they had a sense of rhythm to them.
Not long after i was put in a small math class, not taking well to algebra II or I. It only had a few students in it, 6 or 7, and most days only 3-4 of us showed up. We weren’t just the ones struggling with math, but we were also the trouble makers.
At some point while sitting in the library during lunch, as i didn’t have any friends so there wasn’t a table for me to sit at without it being awkward, i began writing more poetry. My math teacher, Ms. Haggins, discovered me there and read what i was writing. It must of struck a cord in her because she bought me my own writing book and tasked me with writing a poem every time i decided to come back there rather than eat in the lunchroom.
It was during this time i started to kind of get the point of poetry. Most of the early ones i made were not very good as i didnt put my heart and mind into them… It wasnt long for the rampant bulling, mixed with everything else i held in, to finally come out on the page. A two page poem that was as raw and dark as i could allow. When Ms. Haggins read it she burst into tears, finally understanding me. It was then that i started using poetry to heal. In my darkest moments i would put pen to pad, or fingers to keyboard and write. Write and write until everything i was feeling faded, until there was nothing left i could think of saying.
Most of my poems are dark and depressing, not all of them, but the ones i reread and think… wow, those are the ones that are as real as it gets for me.
My writing style isn’t organized in the least. Most times the piece wasn’t planned. I just went into a dark or depressive place and rode the feels and wrote what came to my mind. Its why if you searched you can find parts of stories that dont make sense, or even lines in poems from songs ive listened to recently. I try to do as little editing as possible, mostly just spell checks, to preserve the pieces for what they are.
I write for myself, to heal, to think, to figure out who i am and how i feel. I write to show others the parts of me that i am unable to speak about, not because i shy away from it, but because i cant figure out how to describe it in spoken words. With words on a page i disconnect myself from me, and peer directly into my mind and heart and pull the raw feelings out.
I hope you enjoy them, as dark as they can be. Maybe you feel the same, have had similar thoughts or experiences. Lets ride the feels together in hopes of coming out on the other side a new.
-Shadow