Drama Short Stories

Cold Rain

by RelaxingShadow

The moment you are ready to end your own life, knowing when its all over whats beyond this life is all but a mystery. You would think the thoughts of loved ones, your entire life even, would circle your mind. But this was not true for me. That moment, In that very moment, nothing circled my mind. The only thing, was the pain, the sadness, and the hurt. It flowed through my body, reaching every part of my existence.
Why was i so torn, to end my life. To end everything i have ever done, lose everyone i ever knew, and close the book of my life? It was simple, i had nothing left here. My world was falling apart, and the very people who i loved and cared for turned me away. It was all downhill, and i was ready to close my eyes and end the trip early. I didn’t want to see the grand end in store. What fate or god had planned. Maybe god planned this all along…maybe this was in his grand plan after all, or perhaps not. Perhaps i was but a leaf in the wind, floating along the breeze without a care in the world. Floating along until i finally came to a end. When the wind simply stopped, to then fall down to the earth wich made me.
My husband was diagnosed with cancer exactly one year after our wedding day. Our journey was still beginning i thought; how could something like this happen and shut the door in our face? He battled hard, and pushed and pushed till he couldn’t hold out any longer. For 3 whole years he fought with every fiber of his being. But, cancer is a cruel bitch that can almost never be stopped. He wasn’t supposed to make it a year, but he went two more than expected. I guess i could be proud of that. I guess i should be happy that he was around a little longer. But those two years weren’t filled with happiness. There was no walks in the park, no trips to the beach to walk across the sunsetting floor. No, those two extra years were filled with constant hospital visits, and stressful uneasy feelings. Never knowing if this visit was going to be the last. We were at the hospital so much it started to feel like home. I knew many of the staff that worked there. I can’t really say that my time there wasn’t at times, fun, and maybe at times a pleasant time. The laughs that echoed through the halls were there. But at times it felt like they were just echoes of the past. And the halls would grow dim, and a terrifying shadow would overtake the halls of that which we would walk. Growing closer to our room before swallowing us hole. I guess you could say with happiness, comes sadness.
The days leading up to his passing were the worst. His memory faded, his body thrown to the past. He forgot who i was, where he was, and even who he was for a while until everything finally came back and he was okay. Those were the worst. To look in his eyes and see years of happyness, but to know that when he looked into mine he saw a complete stranger. And then all of a sudden, he would be fine and act as if nothing had happened. Part of me thinks when he did come back to himself he knew what was going on, but tried to hide it. ignore it even. He didn’t want to face the inevitability of death. He didn’t want to acknowledge the fact he was losing his fight. Sometimes he would cry at night, pretending to be asleep. I didn’t know if i should of said anything to him in those times. It seemed those were the only times he truly faced what was coming, and truly knew his fate. In those moments there was no faking it, there was no hiding it, he let it all out in hopes that i, i would not see it. But i did, i just couldn’t tell him. It was heartbreaking. In his last hours we sat in silence. What could you say that he didn’t already know. What more was okay to say then just nothing. I couldn’t say goodbye, it didn’t feel right. When the doctors came in to pull the plug on the machine that had kept him alive to this point i knew it was all just beginning. This wasn’t my end. This was his. As they unplugged he grew weaker and more tired. And in no time he would close his eyes. When he did close his eyes the doctors told me i should leave the room. I sat in the hall crying a metaphorical river. A puddle of my sadness grew on the floor and the staff outside watched on.
The months after were not any better. I was laid off work, couldn’t find anything else. and soon i would lose the house and everything else along with it. My family never helped me. They didn’t like my husband, they did not approve of us dating back in highschool. They thought he was a no good thug. A delinquent. But i knew him for what he was. He was on his own at the age of 14 when his mother passed and his father was arrested. He lived with his grandma but she was to old to really do much but look after him. He became a adult way earlier than most. He was a hard worker. Hardest working man i had ever seen. He worked everyday doing what he could to help his grandma. The very person that was supposed to help him. But it wasn’t easy. He struggled but never gave up. He may have done things you couldn’t deem right, but to him it was his only choice. Sometimes he would run away for weeks. When he ran out of money to feed himself he would just steal the food. Why did he run away all those times? Maybe it was to hide from reality. From the truth. That he was alone. He was busted and forced to spend a few nights in jail once. When he got out he didn’t return home. Maybe it was because to him that wasn’t home. But when he did return he made sure to clean the house, and help his grandma out for a few days before going away again. His grandma never knew where he went. He told her it was for work. But that was a lie. I ran into him one night after a night out with friends. I saw him running down the road. We were the only two people on that street, and he stopped and looked at me. That was when i first met him. After that i would see him every now and then at the park, sitting on the bench slumped over. He always looked down but when i came over he would put on a smile and talk as if nothing had ever been wrong. no one knew him like i did. They saw a nobody. I saw a man who truly could love and feel. Who had so much on his shoulders. But when he was with me he seemed to let it all go for that time. He was able to escape without having to run away anymore.
My family did not like him, going as far as to not even show up on my wedding. Only my father. He saw what i saw. Maybe he didn’t want to accept it, but he knew who he was. and maybe he had some respect for him. Or maybe he just didn’t want me to get married without him being there to see.
So when everything was being taken away, no one was there. Rather then reach out to more then just my folks i sucked it up and waited. I waited until i couldn’t wait any longer and i was forced to walk the streets with nothing but what i could carry. A bag of what money i had left, food, clothes, and a picture of my husband; one of the day we got married. I spent my nights in a cheap hotel. When i finally got a job it seemed like things were starting to look up but they weren’t. i hated my job. No one liked me there, i was alway picked on. It was like being in school again. The unpopular girl with no money, no friends. I dreaded every moment being awake and the only time i felt any sort of relief was when i got home and could get in the shower. I would turn the hot water on, and lay on my back and let the water hit me and wash away all my feelings, all my hate, my anger, and my sadness. And i would just lay there until the water grew cold. In those times i was okay. But as soon as i stepped out, it was like stepping into a fog of hatred, grief, and anger. Sometimes i would scream into my pillow at night, and even throw things around. I was so angry at life and how unfair things seemed to be. I had enough of everything and i desperately wanted out.
Finally, i received a call from my father who after divorcing my mother setup a place downtown. He welcomed me there with open arms and finally i had someone who could hear me. But he wasn’t there to listen, more do what dads do. Take care of their kids. No matter how old i would be i would always be his little girl. But it never felt any better. Everything sucked.
and a few hours ago i had a breakdown. Quit my job, screamed at my father for never really being there. While the tv blasted in the background of some sort of breaking story. We argued for what seemed like hours. How he never really accepted my choice to be with the man i loved, and how in my time of need he was never there. He had his own problems at the time. And i wanted to accept it, understand him even. But i couldn’t. I stormed out into the rain. The rain which could hide my sadness. masking me so that i could blend into everyone else. I didn’t have to look happy. I could let it all out without the fear of being seen or noticed. I kept my head held down and just let it all out. I walked down a street with lights filling the road. red and blue lights flickering as shouts echoed along the buildings. I took no notice and continued walking. When i got closer i looked up to see a man on top of a building shouting down at law enforcement. A heated situation where a man threatened to blow up the building if not given enough money. One of the snipers on the other roof across from him took a shot hitting his had and what he was holding flew out and fell right towards me. Landing and rolling towards my feet. It was a grenade. No one seemed to notice in the dark raining weather that it had flown over tods me. so i picked it up and watched. Some of the officers stormed the building to take him down.
In that moment all my sadness and pain. The anger and hatred towards everyone i knew and to life itself. The searing pain that i have carried on with for so long that i desperately wanted to let go of came flooding in to what was already still there. With tears still in my eyes i looked at this device. This object of war designed to kill. The pain in my body, my mind, and my head was too strong. My life has been a miserable nothing for so long. I couldn’t keep going. I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I was scared at the same time as i started to feel relief. As something in me made the choice. The choice to close the book and set it down forever.
I clenched the grenade and started to walk towards everyone. They didn’t even take notice of me until i was a few yards away, when one of the officers lights shined towards me and caught a glimpse of the grenade i held in my hand. His eyes began to open wide as he screamed to the others what he sees. And they all turned and looked to me, shouting for me to stop moving. To lay on the ground. I was too choked up to say it the pin wasn’t even pulled. I didn’t want to harm anyone. I just couldn’t take it anymore. But after what felt like forever all that happened was frantic screaming. I looked to my hand that still held this device that was designed to kill. And without hesitation i pulled the pin. There lights still shining on me, almost blinding me. I slowly set down the grenade while still holding the switch to not set off the fuse. some of them put down their guns and screamed to take cover. I slowly let my hands of the switch and looked to the sky.
I thought to myself, “i will see you soon”. and with a cloud of smoke and fire the grenade went off under me. blowing me apart like the death of my husband did to my heart so long ago. It was all over.
All the pain i had felt. All the anger i had. All the sadness i carried around for so long. It was all gone. I was finally free again, to be moved to whatever comes next. Whatever that may be.

261 thoughts on “Cold Rain”

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